Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Shmoopy.
What do you think you're looking at? Shmoop.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: What are you looking at? Shmoopy.
[00:00:09] Speaker A: Were you just taking a dump? No.
[00:00:11] Speaker B: Did it look like I was taking a dump?
[00:00:13] Speaker A: Well, it didn't look like.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: It sounded like.
[00:00:15] Speaker A: What'd you do in the bathroom?
[00:00:16] Speaker B: I peed.
You just didn't hear it.
[00:00:19] Speaker A: When was the last time you took a dump.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: So this is the way we're starting the conversation.
[00:00:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: Really?
[00:00:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: We're talking about poop today.
[00:00:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: Welcome to shmoopy times two.
[00:00:32] Speaker A: Yeah. When did you take your last dump? Yesterday.
[00:00:34] Speaker B: Yesterday.
[00:00:34] Speaker A: You've been a little dehydrated.
[00:00:35] Speaker B: I've been a little dehydrated.
[00:00:37] Speaker A: Is that from too much booze?
[00:00:38] Speaker B: Too much booze. Too much sex.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: Too much booze.
[00:00:41] Speaker B: A lot of sex. Your poor little schmoopy there.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: Shmoopy Junior's a little banged up. It's showing a little. Literally some abrasion.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: There's a little abrasion. A little roughed up.
[00:00:57] Speaker A: But you didn't answer the question about when you took your last dump. Was it yesterday?
[00:01:02] Speaker B: There was a partial dump yesterday.
[00:01:05] Speaker A: Partial.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: Probably since Friday. Wow, you've been keeping me busy, man.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: A lot of booze.
[00:01:09] Speaker B: When was the last time you.
[00:01:10] Speaker A: Yesterday.
[00:01:11] Speaker B: Yesterday?
[00:01:12] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:01:13] Speaker B: In my bathroom?
[00:01:13] Speaker A: Yeah, we were talking about lady farts yesterday, remember?
[00:01:17] Speaker B: Oh, yes.
[00:01:17] Speaker A: Great. They smell.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: Yeah, tell me, tell me the smell definition.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: Combination. Dog fart, sodium chloride. Is that the stuff? That's.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: No, you said onion. You said onion and ...
[00:01:37] Speaker A: No, but that's. That's just on the. No, it's on the list. I didn't get there.
[00:01:42] Speaker B: You want to know what the ?
[00:01:43] Speaker A: Cuz there's also train diesel.
[00:01:45] Speaker B: Train diesels in there.
[00:01:46] Speaker A: Yeah.
Smells like dog fart. Which is horrible, by the way. It's horrible. Horrible. I know when they're bad, they're like. Sting it. They sting.
[00:01:57] Speaker B: I think it's not just that. They linger. They just don't go.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: Lady farts you meet or dog farts? Both. Oh, yeah, that's the. That's the characteristic they share.
[00:02:08] Speaker B: I woke up. Okay, Can I give you. I'm gonna give you some context. I woke up at like whatever time it was.
[00:02:14] Speaker A: I woke myself up farting.
[00:02:17] Speaker B: Farting tonight. Yeah. You were snoring, so it's perfect.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: What?
[00:02:24] Speaker B: And all I thought about was dog fart and onion.
[00:02:28] Speaker A: Did you go. Did you think about going dutch oven and like giving yourself a special treat?
[00:02:32] Speaker B: No, I was thinking about saving it for you.
[00:02:34] Speaker A: Cuz they smell good to yourself, right?
[00:02:36] Speaker B: No, really.
[00:02:38] Speaker A: How often does your fart smell bad to you? Your own farts? Never.
[00:02:42] Speaker B: Horrific.
[00:02:43] Speaker A: Really?
[00:02:44] Speaker B: Oh, you haven't smelled my farts yet.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: If I have bad, smelly farts, I laugh and then I cherish them, like, oh, I could be ruining somebody else's life.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: Okay, so on the topic of Shmoopies and Shmoopies. Schmoop and Schmoopies. So when is the appropriate time to share a fart in? No, no. When you're dating someone.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: Oh, God. Yeah, I think we were. Your. Your first fart was appropriate. It was, you know, three months in, maybe. Was I?
[00:03:15] Speaker B: Yeah, I held back. No, I don't.
[00:03:18] Speaker A: But it was random. I was a little surprised, but I didn't mind.
Some girls, I'd be. I'd mind. I'd be like, what are you doing? I don't want to hear that.
[00:03:25] Speaker B: But wasn't it. But didn't I do it because I laughed?
[00:03:28] Speaker A: Maybe you laughed and it came out.
[00:03:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
You do understand that this is what happens in the.
[00:03:35] Speaker A: And then I reacted with a symphony.
[00:03:38] Speaker B: Yes. I think that may be the thing I love most about you. You're like, oh, you're gonna do that? Well, I'm gonna whoop your ass.
Hence the, the competitive side of you just.
[00:03:50] Speaker A: It was a three part symphony.
[00:03:51] Speaker B: It was a three part.
[00:03:52] Speaker A: There was a trombone.
[00:03:54] Speaker B: A rusty trombone.
[00:03:55] Speaker A: Oh, we don't want to go down that road.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: We're not going down that road.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: And then there was a.
Then there was the trumpet with the thing on the front. What do you call this? Like that.
[00:04:05] Speaker B: I don't know what that is.
[00:04:05] Speaker A: What are they called? I should know that. I used to be in a band at one point.
Anyway.
[00:04:11] Speaker B: Funny.
[00:04:11] Speaker A: Oh, but back to the lady farts. So back to the lady farts.
Dog fart. It smells like dog fart mixed with sodium chloride, which I believe is the egg. Rotten egg smell.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:04:22] Speaker A: Coupled with some onion.
[00:04:23] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:04:24] Speaker A: And diesel. Train diesel specifically.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: Why train diesel? What's the difference between regular diesel smell.
[00:04:30] Speaker A: King's Cross station in London. That train diesel. Not. I don't think anymore. It's all electric.
[00:04:36] Speaker B: Wow, that is intense. I do not wish lady farts on anyone. Well, at least mine didn't smell the first time.
[00:04:43] Speaker A: No, no, it was just some. It was just audio.
[00:04:45] Speaker B: It was. Yeah.
[00:04:47] Speaker A: Hey, I didn't hit the button for.
[00:04:49] Speaker B: You didn't.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: The three minute stopwatch. Cuz shmoopy are only shmoopy times two. Oh, dude, we're five minutes in right now. Of course we're gone. Bye.
